Un-Sisterhood of the Not-Traveling Wealth
People are making too much money and it hurts my feelings!
Not to brag, but I read a lot of great literature. And when I’m not reading great literature, I’m reading very important think pieces. Not to mention, many a quality newsletter covering all matter of subjects because my interests are broad and eclectic. But mostly, I read a lot of trash. The trash I’ve been reading this month is primarily focused on the demise of Bennifer 2, which seemed so imminent, it became too imminent. I started to feel like their looming breakup was too believable to be believed. It brought me back to the days when Bruce Jenner kept being photographed with Ballerina Pink manicures and a bandage where his Adam’s Apple should be and I thought, transitioning seems entirely too sound an explanation for this unusual behavior. It simply couldn’t be! Still, even more than The Enndifer (did I just invent this?!!!), there’s another item of recent trash that’s been nagging at me, lingering on the periphery of my thoughts, wanting to be examined, afraid to be seen. What would it mean, what would I learn about myself by dragging this trash into the light and giving it a proper dissection? I fear knowing, and yet, know I must….
Perhaps you’ve heard that married individuals Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds have been “battling at the box office” this month. According to a recent google search, Reynolds’ Deadpool & Wolverine and Lively’s It Ends With Us have made an approximate “fuck ton” of money since their early-August theatrical releases. (Together they’ve grossed something like $700 million domestically, and I’m not a numbers gal, but seven hundred million seems like a big one.) I’m certainly not here to poo-poo people going to the movies, especially when they’re not Marvel movies! (Nevermind that the Deadpool franchise began in a seeming effort to satirize the superhero genre then just gave up and joined it.) What’s been bothering me since the moment addressing this would have actually seemed current is the fact that SO MUCH MONEY is going to JUST ONE HOUSEHOLD. Shouldn’t that all make us vomit simultaneously like a cruise ship with a norovirus? I mean, I know not all that money goes directly into Ryan’s designer hoodie kangaroo pouch or Blake’s Bottega Veneta crossbody bag. But a big ole wad of it does! These people are simply too rich, and it hurts my feelings!
I’m sure it’s hard for Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively to remember a time when they weren’t rich, if there ever was such a time. They’ve both been acting professionally since they were in high school, so maybe at some point, they just got bored of getting rich the same way over and over, and decided they also needed to figure out new ways to get rich, just to keep things interesting. Regardless, to say they have “capitalized on their brand” would be an understatement. Back in 2021, Blake launched a line of non-alcoholic drink mixers, because Blake herself doesn’t drink. But after her non-alcoholic drinks sold so well, she decided to expand her venture into the alcoholic market too, because why should those crazy teetotalers have all the fun? She has a haircare line, she collabed with Sprinkles on a friggin cupcake, and while not an actual job, she does get photographed with Taylor Swift like it’s her job. Meanwhile, Ryan owns a soccer team, a gin, part of Mint Mobile, part of a Formula 1 team, part of a venture capital firm, part of a tech company, part of a streaming service…. probably my house…. maybe my first born… Honestly, do these people even know they’re battling at the box office? Or are they trapped under a pile of money so big, not even Box Office Mojo alerts can penetrate? Is no one else offended that two of America’s sweethearts have joined forces to take ALL the money? Like at this point, maybe they’re just money collectors. Maybe they’re just passionate about the myriad of stories each individual dollar bill can tell, because there’s nothing they don’t already have to spend them on.
Blake and Ryan are certainly not alone in their naked pursuit of cash grabs, so why should they, in particular, offend me? I guess it’s the fact that they don’t seem to offend others that much, so I feel responsible for making up for the difference. But it’s also this: when it comes to certain cash grabbers, I never had much initial respect for them to lose. How can I be offended that Kim Kardashian hawks a push-up nipple bra? She’s already proven herself to be nothing more than a conduit into which money (set into motion by fillers and filters) flows, only to be redistributed back in the world when she throws a Coachella-themed birthday party for her one-year-old. But Blake and Ryan? They gave us The Proposal and the SOTTP franchise! They’re professional actors, inhabiting the world of arts and entertainment, creating works of cultural value, while simultaneously operating in the world of commerce, peddling totally useless shit. And something about the cynicism of milking your fame to talk us into buying a particular prepaid mobile phone plan seems to cheapen the fun stuff you put into the world. It’s like every time Blake sells a can of Betty Buzz Oak Smoked Lemonade Mocktail, those traveling pants get a little more threadbare. One of these days, America Ferrera’s gonna tear open that package to put them on, and there’ll be nothing inside it but dust.
And look, I hate when writers et al get too precious about art. Maybe watching an episode of Gossip Girl brings nothing more to a person’s life than drinking a bottle of Aviator gin. (To me, they both sound pretty great!) But why do Blake and Ryan’s portfolios have to be so diverse? Do they really need THAT many businesses? It’s one thing to buy a soccer team, that’s cool! But are soccer AND Formula one AND prepaid mobile plans AND payment processing corporations AND Match.com ALL your passions? Is any of this any fun??? Honestly, I don’t care. I don’t know why I’m asking because I really don’t. Okay fine, I’m a little curious. What are they getting out of this other than more money than they can spend?
Recently, my husband and I were talking to another couple about how rich we’d want to be, if we could choose. My answer was that I wanted to be able to impulse buy any piece of clothing the algorithm served me without feeling like I was prying food out of my children’s mouths by doing it. And while I’m not joking, I really do want a closet full of practical one piece bathing suits and dresses that make me look like a homesteader as far as the eye can see, I also know that I already have quite enough. And I know that many do not, because I see them, even in my fancy neighborhood, sleeping in tents and eating out of trashcans. Here’s a totally mind-blowing thought that has never occurred to anyone ever before: Why, as Americans, is it always cool to get as MUCH as you possibly can? When you drink too much alcohol, you vomit. When you eat too much cake, your tummy aches. What is the physical manifestation for an excess of capitalism? Whoa, that’s deep.